gratitude and hope

1.19.2012

A year ago tomorrow, my wonderful, loving, brilliant, funny, playful, handsome (and frustrating, and very human, but very much mine!!) husband died, after a short stint in the hospital that his doctors originally said would be little more than a blip on our radar. It was surreal then...it's been very real for the past year...and it again feels very surreal.

All of my friends old and new, from expected and unexpected places, have provided wonderful support and encouragement. I'm so very grateful for that. One friend in particular has a gift for saying exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it.

"Some food for thought: Anticipate the day as a milestone not for remembering the pain and loss, but as a "re-birth" day for Derek. Put aside some time to meditate on all you accomplished in this past year. I will get you started, but you will have much more to add to this list.

• You were a tireless advocate for Derek every moment of his illness.

• You were strong enough to set Derek free. Imagine how empty this year (and possibly many more) would have been for him had you made a different choice.

• You drew together an enormous group of people who love you and Derek and changed the course of some of our lives in the process.

• You built lasting friendships you can trust with your life, and you learned which friends weren't as reliable as you thought.

• You re-imagined your calling, and put in motion steps to reinvent yourself.

• Read that one again. It's huge!!

• You navigated the conflict [with Derek's ex wife] with firmness and grace, keeping his children's best interests the top priority. (and someday they will know this)

• You celebrated Derek's life with a party his friends will never forget, and gave us a wonderful last memory of Derek that involved singing, and loving you, and playing with his kids. And composting.

• You began building a happy and generous you-centric life.

• You kept your household together, making repairs, paying bills, rescuing chickens, etc.

• You made friends with your grief, so it became your companion, not your obstacle.

• You look MAHvelous. Seriously. You're gorgeous, inside and out.

• You put aside your own needs to take care of a friend when she needed it very much. Thanks for that, Darling!!

• You made brand new friends who share your interests and priorities.

It should be a day when you review how well you did this year with gratitude, pride, and relief. You cannot change the horrible events of a year ago, so don't linger there. Face forward, towards the wonderful future taking form in your life. You know how strong you are. You have earned the right to be fearless from this point forward."

For these words, my friend, I thank you from the bottom of my (healing) heart. For my family and for best friends, I thank you so much for being there in the middle of the night, the wee hours of the morning, for emergency room trips, dropper feeding injured chickens, car problems, law suits, and all of the strange happenings that have required your never-flagging energy and never-complaining support. And for the words and food and hugs and tokens and errands and gestures from the rest of you over the past year, for the time you spent with Derek and me in the hospital and hospice, for your patience when I'm too tired and overwhelmed and forget to return phone calls or emails or don't want to leave my house still, I thank the rest of you. I was "warned" that this support would wane after the first few months, as people got back to their lives and expected me to, as well. That has not happened for me, though I know it has for other widows I've met along the way. I can't imagine any way to let you all know what that's meant to me. Despite my loss, I feel so very, very blessed. Though woefully inadequate, I send love to and gratitude for all of you!!

#grief #loss #gratitude #hope #friends