fear of commitment

12.31.2016

I'm sitting here looking at the little pup I adopted a few days ago; she's sleeping at my feet. I was in love with her...but also terrified of getting her. As soon as I committed to adopting her, I panicked. I suddenly realized that I have a terrible fear of commitment. I've taken care of sick people and pups for SO many years, and suddenly I didn't want to take care of anyone/anything. I also didn't want to risk losing anyone/anything. I wanted to back out as soon as I said yes. Instead, I asked if I could take her on a two-week trial basis. In my mind, I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep her, but I was embarrassed to say so. I was thinking of excuses in my mind to return her within two weeks.

Yet here it is, 3 days later, and I've not only fallen in love, but I've remembered who I am. I AM a caretaker, and I needed someone to care for. This is healthy caring, for a healthy baby. It is a healing relationship. In three days, I have watched her overcome fears, learn to trust me, respond to training, become a little partner in my life. We are scheduled to begin her training as a therapy dog. She is playful, but incredibly gentle and sweet. Her personality fits my own so beautifully.

I haven't tried dating in quite awhile. Life got complicated and scary, and is still a little uncertain, though I've seen my own little miracles recently. I have the same fear of commitment with a person as I did with this pup, but she gives me courage to consider trying again. At the same time, with her as a companion, my life doesn't feel empty. I can enjoy my introversion again without feeling alone, lonely. I've spent the past week home in bed with pneumonia, and I'm not ready to enter the world again. I have LOVED being alone, with just my little companion by my side.