pretending

7.15.2016

Someone told me recently how much I "have it together." More than anyone he's ever met. And he kinda didn't make it sound like it was a good thing....

But maybe I just heard his words that way because I feel like a sham. I must LOOK like I have it all together...I've heard that more than once...but in nearly every moment, I feel like it's all on the verge of crumbling. "Having it together" is my coping strategy. CONTROL is the way that I deal with all of the loss and the resultant crazy uncertainty and almost-paralyzing fear in my life. CONTROL is the way I deal with my introversion, my anxiety, my trepidation at trusting the world again and the people in it, my fear of opening up. I remind myself of what it felt like to hide out in my grief. For awhile it felt safe...it was comforting to let my house be my cocoon, and to live there, blanketed in my memories. But over time, I felt like an observer of a past that had slipped away from me, ghosts that were fading, leaving me alone in the shadows. At the same time, I felt like an observer of a future that was moving forward without me, a world in which I no longer belonged. I was trapped in my own sort of purgatory. And so I dove back into the land of living...but I still can't find where I belong. So I pretend.

(Many thanks to http://nonnetta.deviantart.com/art/The-art-of-pretending-94138403 for her work, which so often captures my soul.)

#grief #pretending #control