the wrong things

8.6.2016

I've had a lot of physical pain over the past two weeks, and yesterday I got some potentially bad news back from some medical tests--news that could mean medications with side effects, could mean surgery, could mean cancer. News that definitely means more tests. And waiting.

There was a time when my life was just cruisin' along...things were good, and I took them for granted. Then there was a day when my husband had a headache. That day turned into a month of headaches. Then a hospitalization. Then, seven weeks later, a death. You never expect a headache to lead to death. There was a day my best friend had a backache. That day turned into weeks of backaches. Then a diagnosis of cancer that had already metastasized to his bones. Later, his death. You never expect a backache to lead to death. And so with every ache and pain I do a lot of "what ifs" in my life now. I think about worst case scenarios, because in my world they happen. I find that I manage life a lot better if I go through all of the what ifs and figure out how I'd handle them. Then I can set them aside. I'm ready.

That's how *I* handle scary news. How should *you* handle it if I share it with you? There are definitely right and wrong things to say (or text/email, in these cases):

the wrong things: (as modeled by some hopefully well-meaning friends) "I am not going to engage in what's ifs with you--let's just have fun." (Really? you think that I can think about having fun in this moment?! Do you even hear how selfish that is?) "I'm sure it's nothing serious--you will be fine, you are strong." (Serious things happen all the time, even to strong people. Strong people hate hearing that they are strong, by the way--what choice do they really have?)

the right things: (as modeled by friends who actually get it!) "I know I want to be involved in this with you. Everything will work out and you will still be you and still be beautiful no matter what the outcome." (Perfect...you have not only offered to be there if the going gets rough, but you've said you WANT to.) or "Oh god, M...that sucks." (Yep. It does. Simple as that.)

Or, in my fantasy, you stop texting me and you pick up the phone. You say, "although the odds are in your favor, you have experienced so much loss, witnessed so much cancer with loved ones and in your career, had so many health challenges in your life but particularly since your husband died, and I can't even imagine how much fear and frustration that much create in you. What can I do for or with you?"