eggshells

8.8.2016

So...I got all these test results back. A week ago one doctor said that "a, b, and c all create some concern (primarily about cancer) and I want you to see a specialist." Today, as I sat with the doctor, she explained why a, b, and c--when taken in the context of my general health, pre-existing conditions, and biopsies done 8 months ago--are non-concerning to her.

I sat there, already feeling pretty fragile in her office, with the memory that 8 months prior Brian had taken me to her office and held my hand while she attempted a (really painful and unsuccessful!) procedure to help me avoid surgery. When she told me today that she didn't see that I had anything to worry about, I burst out in tears. I didn't realize how very scared I was. I was certain that now that I felt really, truly happy--a happiness not dependent on anyone else--"fate" was going to laugh in my face and take that away from me, in the kind of slow, painful devastation I'd seen Brian experience with his cancer, Uncle John with his, my patients with theirs. I was certain that God, if there is such a thing, was going to punish me.

I'm still not 100% out of the woods...follow-up tests to come in a couple of months. But I think there's room for happy again, without the walking on eggshells I've experienced for the past couple weeks of waiting. Time to start walking on sunshine again, instead. :-)