my happiness list

8.24.2016

Somehow, since Derek and Brian died, I've been coming to the realization that it's not about knowing what I want in life--I STILL don't know! It's not about big things that I need to do or have. It's not about whatever career I will choose.

I remember an exercise in my younger life, assigned by a therapist, to make a list of things that brought me joy. I really struggled...I never felt much joy. But I tried that again a few months ago. I used a soap crayon and started a list of things that make me happy, scrawled across a big sliding glass door. It makes me happy just to look at it, and I love finding (sometimes surprising) things to add to it. I think I'll include my list here, and maybe I'll keep coming back to update it!

• Helping someone

• Finishing something I start

• Learning how to do something new (and moreso coming to at least some small mastery of it)

• Having things organized in my house, so they don't distract me (yes, I think I have an element of ADD!)

• Coloring (yes, like a kid!)

• Doing jigsaw puzzles, number puzzles, word puzzles

• Walking in the woods

• Taking pictures of nature (plants, creatures) and, in doing so, seeing them from a new perspective

• Weeding my garden

• Belonging to someone (not in an ownership sort of way--I LOVE my freedom!--I just loving having someone to whom I matter...someone who would notice if I didn't make it home one day. Like I belonged to Brian, my best friend, who lived in a different house, had his own life like I had mine...we just checked in every day...he was my person, and I was his!)

• Having someone to snuggle or hold hands with while we watch a movie

• Having someone to take a short trip with--someone with whom I can share the experience and the memories

• Having someone who will hold me while I cry

• Cooking a meal when I'm not in a rush, so that I can take time to experience the process and product with all my senses

• Cooking for other people

• Visiting farms and talking to farmers about their work and their connection to the land...I envy people who feel such connection, and I love hearing about it...trusting that I will feel such connection some day

• Snuggling with my pup

• Writing, as a way to help me sort through my thoughts and feelings and experiences

• Singing

• My little nephew falling asleep with his body draped over mine, trying to stay connected to me

• Making to-do lists and crossing things off the list

• Sunshine

• Aromas: tuberose, honeysuckle, lilac

• Food: key lime pie, cheesecake, stroganoff, Reuben sandwiches, onion rings

• Dancing: tango, waltz, ballroom in general and how beautiful and graceful it makes me feel

• Live outdoor music on a temperate evening, and lying on a blanket with my eyes closed to listen

• A good novel

• Having a little extra cash at the same time I have a little extra time to go shopping for myself (Anthropologie, here I come!)

• The little buzz I get after my first couple swallows of wine

• Mojitos

• Remembering watching my pup Loki ride the lawnmower with my dad

• Remembering the twinkle in Derek's eye when he's happy, when he smiles at me, when he comes home after working out of town during the week--walking in the door with that smiling twinkle, saying, "hey, baby!"

• Though it requires the right person, this list wouldn't be complete (or honest) unless I included sex. I am my only audience...why am I embarrassed to add this to my list?! Hmmm...maybe this, on my happiness list, makes me sad. I miss it. But if I have a regular partner or companion again one day, so I have more regular sex, this will absolutely move to the top of the list!

• A good nap after good nookie :-)

#happiness #list