creativity

9.2.2016

I woke one day in June suddenly filled with joy and excitement about being alive and having the opportunity to do and be anything I wanted (surely a response to having been a caregiver for so many years, with limited ability to make those choices for myself)--then watched that slowly fade as I was judged for "fast-tracking my life," criticized for being "too happy," challenged in my motives for sharing things that I appreciate, and knocked down more than a few pegs with the additional loss of Sam. All of the joy seemed to drain from me, leaving me more empty than I've felt in a long time.

This is apparently a summer of awakenings, and today seems to be the day I woke suddenly filled with a re-introduction to the creative me of many, many, many years (eons!) ago. I woke with my hands moving and my brain drawing, I got up in the wee hours simply to indulge them and see what they had to show me, and I felt joy creeping back in. Tonight after work I was tired by 5:30, feeling sad and unmotivated, and ready for bed by 7. As has been par for the course lately, I got online and started looking at friends' Facebook pages, answering emails, and reaching out for some connection to try to fill this emptiness I've been feeling. But tonight I decided that I didn't want to end up going to bed, yet again, frustrated at the lack of connection AND at the lack of productivity or fulfillment AND at the time wasted on meaningless activity. So I closed the computer, got out some sheet music, and sat down at my keyboard. I haven't played much at all since high school, so I am VERY rusty and VERY slow and my hands don't work nearly as well as they used to. But I played and sang. From 7pm until now...1am! And I feel GREAT! I'm off to do dishes and finish the laundry now (yeah, motivation and productivity--welcome back!). I have a feeling that, outside of work, the world won't see much of me for awhile as I indulge this "itch" to create. (And this time, I'm not telling anyone. No-one gets to judge or criticize or challenge THIS joy but me!!)