he said she said

8.27.2016

Dating. I am NOT digging trying to do this, and it's not because I miss Derek.

Zach. He followed me out of the room and professed his love (after 3 dates). I gently said he was kind, but I didn't feel the same. He surprised me, attempting to physically push himself on me. I, ever-so-polite and never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, simply said no. He, not-nearly-so-polite, kept pushing, touching, grabbing, insisting that I was safe, I could trust him, I should relax and enjoy it. I got pissed and managed to push him off and get to my car.

He texted me today, a few days later, and I called him on his behavior and his nerve to contact me.

He texted back: "I'm feeling uncomfortable about this conversation that seems to have an issue of consent. Are you saying that I committed some sort of sexual offense against you? You're alleging false sexual misconduct. No way I can choose to love someone who is dishonest and willing to hang something like that over me for some sorrowful unknown pathology. You may be angry that your first opportunity at a relationship post hospice care and losing your husband has left you with something less than you desire, but you aren't going to take it out on me, and I expect you to email me and put in writing that I did not commit a sexual offense against you."

I called one of my best friends, who is a therapist...and learned that this sort of thing is really common (and that this man was likely accused of something like this before, which is why he quickly shifted the blame and asked for something in writing). WHY has our society allowed this to become common?!! And why am I sitting at home, alone, feeling like I did something wrong? Why am I replaying all of my words and actions, wondering how I brought this on myself? (Yep...I know what it means to send "those" messages, even inadvertently. Yep, I know the consequences. Nope...I didn't drink or flirt, and my dress went to my knees, and it had a high neckline with no cleavage showing.) Why don't I want anyone to know, like I am ashamed or will be blamed? I don't want the walls around my heart to get any higher, and I don't want my learning-to-be-happy heart to become a hateful, hopeless heart. :-(