moving on...one kalamata olive at a time

3.29.2011

I used to love grocery shopping.  Derek used to hate grocery shopping.  I used to love cooking.  Derek's philosophy was that "it shouldn't take longer to cook it than it does to eat it" (though he DID come to appreciate having meals prepared for him that were a bit more complex than a ham and cheese sandwich)!  Somehow, my "foodie" style never did mesh well with his "fast foodie" style.  Though he was a bit concerned the first time I fed him a spinach/pine nut/feta turkey burger, he was pleasantly surprised.  We had some wonderful times over wine tastings and gourmet picnics, and he understood (or at least accepted) my pleasure in more unique or complex foods. But in all the years we were together, he never did learn to really ENJOY eating--it was a means to an end, and a social activity, but otherwise he could take it or leave it. And he just couldn't comprehend how or why I took pleasure in strolling through the produce section and enjoying the feel of a cantaloupe's rind, the smell of a pineapple when you gently press the flesh on the bottom and put your nose to it, the beautiful shades of purple and grey ash molds on some cheeses, etc.  He had no idea how I could caramelize an onion for 40 WHOLE MINUTES (!) and actually enjoy the process--the stirring, the smelling, the change in color and texture...cooking was just beyond him. 

One of the things I missed most during the two months of Derek's illness was grocery shopping.  After he died, this was one of the first things I wanted to do.  I so much looked forward to my trip to Whole Foods...and then I cried the entire time I was in the store. I was so grateful to run into an acquaintance of ours who was working there, and who knew what had happened. She hugged me, teared up with me, gave me an herbal supplement for stress, and hugged me again! 

I have, since Derek's death, cooked a couple of meals for the sake of cooking. Started to really enjoy food again, at least on occasion. But it's been minimal and very sporadic, and I've had lots of crackers and cheese dinners. Today, however, I had a craving for REAL food. So I took a detour. After a day of meetings and errands, I looked at the clock, realized that I was running very late and would never get all of the paperwork done tonight that I needed to, and decided that I just didn't care. I was going to the grocery store.

As I shopped, I smiled. I talked to other customers. I tasted food at the deli. I read labels, and pondered whether there was REALLY a difference in the taste of "cheese honey" and its ability to pair with salty and blue cheeses--or whether there was just a difference in the cost! I got carded and exchanged some banter about aging. And as I checked out, I realized that I am healing. My grocery cart was not filled with things that the kids won't complain about. It was not filled with things I could prepare quickly for Derek. It was not filled with serving sizes for a family, or even for two. It was filled with an organic Riesling and a Carmenere, both to share with friends when the mood strikes! It was filled with drunken goat cheese. With a small slice of fig cake with honey and almonds. With basil potato gnocchi. With sheep's cheese pesto. With single deli servings of herbed potato salad and honey broccoli salad. With Kefir. With fresh fruit. With pineapple coconut ice cream and with green tea soy ice cream. 

And this food and this experience made me feel happy. And feeling happy made me feel sad. So I got in my car and I cried a little--because I don't want to move on from Derek and the kids. Because I don't want to lose my family, and I don't want my life to change. But I think some of those tears were tears of relief, too. Because the return of even a small amount of happiness in something that's always brought me joy is a sign that I WILL heal, and I WILL live again. It may be one kalamata olive at a time, but it will happen. 

***

P.S.  In honor of my loving husband, Costco bulk shopper and cheapskate--uh, bargain hunter--extraordinaire, I DID take notice of the closeout on the Meyers Clean Day gardenia scented fabric softener. I DID notice that it was discontinued, but not marked down. I DID ask the manager if he was going to mark it down. And I DID buy ALL 5 BOTTLES remaining after he took 40% off the price. Here's to you, Baby!  ;-)